Lost and Found

I lost it and finally I found it back. For over a year, I walked through that path looking for it. So dark that I could not see the far end, but I kept walking and searching. Many times I looked back, contemplating to stop and turn. Many times I stumbled and fell on my knees. Indeed it was dark, and all I could hear was my own breath and tears. I couldn't see it but I felt it so close to me. And so I kept walking through the darkness.

I lost it and thought I could never find it back. I lost myself for far too long that I never I thought I could be here again. Alhamdulillah, the darkness didn't kill me. What I've lost I've now found. Surely it was dark, but I was holding my heart with me while searching for my soul. It's all with the mercy of Allah the Almighty.

Sincerely,

Adique

Listen to My Heart..

Ya Allah The Almighty..
I have gone through so much pain and sadness. 3 MONTHS have passed...but the pain is still there. The hurt is so unbearable and the frustration is too much for this weak heart and soul. Puas mencari kekuatan, tapi kekecewaan juga yang bertandang.

I have not been my normal self for uncountable days. Every second is pain, pain and pain. I have tried to find in my heart to forgive and forget, but this human called ME is so full with revenge, anger, hatred, sadness, frustrations...and nothing is able to change that yet. Wanting to go away, but my life is here. I'm taking my own ways to deal with this tsunami. I'm hurting myself more, just to be strong in the eyes of the others.

Ya Allah,
Ampunkan aku kerana menjadi hamba yang kecewa dan penuh sesalan. Sesak jiwa menahan duka, tapi apakan daya.. Although this is not the best thing to do, but this is the best I can do..for now. Please..Ya Allah..please do not stop pouring your love and guidance upon me. I'm certainly not a good slave of Yours. I've let myself drown in the test that YOU have given.

Somehow, in this broken heart of mine, I know.. that I can turn to you for the ETERNAL LOVE.

My little prayers...

In the past few years, I have seen a couple of my close buddies going through a tremendous improvement in their lives. N has actually moved house twice in the past few years. She was living in a condo when she had her first child. Then they shifted to a beautifully renovated link house in an exclusive housing area. And not long after, after giving birth to her 3rd child they shifted again..this time to a beautiful, million ringgit bungalow house in the same area. Not to mention the luxurious cars that she drives...I am so, so happy for her.

A, my other buddy who lives just nearby...had moved from her previous link home to a huge and beautiful "mansion" in the golf club. At one time, she almost had to sell-off her link house to offset the unpaid debts when the economic situation was really bad and business was down. But now, I bet she has everything in the world that she wants. She's just another lucky woman on earth ;-)

Hey, it's not their status that "wows" me...but its the angels they have in them. Despite the changes that they have gone through, they are still the same wonderful friends to me. They still act the same and talk the same girls' nonsensical stuff just like those days. And I observe that they have even became a better muslimah. N never failed to invite me to any of the usrah sessions held at her house. Despite carrying their Gucci and LV purses, both of them are actively involved in the Al-Quran reciting classes, Arabic classes etc.

I am so proud of them for the values that they uphold. I know the pain that they have gone through before... There was so much pain that they never thought life was gonna be this good. I believe that they have so much faith, and they have worked really hard to get to where they are now.

May Allah continue to bless them with all the great things. And may Allah give me the same strength and spirit to move forward for a better life..physically, financially and spiritually. The same dua goes for all my beloved ones. Although things may seem uncertain now..have faith, that one day..with the will of Allah the Almighty, we will achieve our dreams. Aminn..

New Year is here again...

Diam tak diam, 10 days has passed by...but not too late to "feel" and "taste" the new year air. I haven't listed down my new year resolutions, tapi rasanya last year's list is still relevant..but can still be reviewed though!

But keep on reminding myself, each year that passes means a year less from my lifetime... pretty scary, but that's fact. Allah swt memang nak kita selalu mengingati mati, supaya kita membuat amal ibadah seolah-olah akan mati esok. Supaya kita tak leka dan alpa. Tak sombong dan bongkak. Supaya mengasihi dan memberi yang terbaik untuk orang-orang tersayang. On the other hand, we must also work hard mencari rezeki seolah-olah akan hidup seribu tahun lagi. So that kita bersungguh-singguh bila mengusahakan sesuatu. And be remindful of the responsibilities we have towards the society, yang masih ramai memerlukan bantuan kita. If we are not making enough, how on earth can we help them? So, it's not right to think "duit tak boleh bawak mati". Yang dibawa mati, bukan duit tu of course. Tapi pahala for the good deeds we did with the money. If there's not enough money, nak buat good deeds macam mana...The ability to get good things and make us feel great and bersyukur pun kira good deeds ;-) Nih yang obviously myself haven't achieved yet...and need to achieve.

I feel living life is like flipping the pages of calendar. As the months go by, I flip its pages, never to flip the pages back. Those months that have passed will never come back. Similarly, as the days and weeks and months of my life go by, they too, will never come back. What is gone, is gone. I beg for Allah's mercy to allow me to have a better life this year...spiritually, physically and financially with my loved ones. Semoga tak menjadi manusia yang rugi walau sesaat pun. I just want to love and be loved ;-)

18 years full of love...

Alhamdulillah...18 years have passed and we're blessed with 3 lovely children and lots of love for each other. Looking back...I wonder how we ever made through all the obtacles together. It wasn't easy, and Allah knows...the whole period was full of testing moments for the 2 of us. Z always said that if we were to write a book on us, no one would ever believe how much we have been through. And to that, I agreed..

We almost lost each other. Almost. But Allah still wanted us to be together, so he gave Z a lot of patience to deal with me who at that point of time already stopped hoping. I thank my hubby for standing so close next to me during that difficult time and never gave up. When I was hard and cold, Z stayed on waiting. He didn't even complaint despite how I acted.

We always forget what we had until we lost it. But alhamdulillah, I came back to me senses before that happened...God knows how thankful I am today.

And I sincerely hope that our love for each other be blessed hingga ke akhir hayat, and hingga ke akhirat...We're seeing more rainbows nowadays...after the long rainy days. Hope to have more and to do more together...Ameen...

It's new year...Ma'al Hijrah

Salam Ma'al Hijrah, it's the beginning of a new year full of hopes for me. Please ya Allah, please give me the courage and strength in this hijrah in becoming a better person...especially to YOU..my creator, to my family and to the society..

"Allah is the Protector of those who have faith: from the depths of darkness He will lead them forth into light." (2:257)

002.286 On no soul doth Allah Place a burden greater than it can bear. It gets every good that it earns, and it suffers every ill that it earns. (Pray:) "Our Lord! Condemn us not if we forget or fall into error; our Lord! Lay not on us a burden Like that which Thou didst lay on those before us; Our Lord! Lay not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Blot out our sins, and grant us forgiveness. Have mercy on us. Thou art our Protector; Help us against those who stand against faith." Al-Qur'an, 002.286 (Al-Baqara [The Cow])

A glimpse of my November & December days

Many important things are happening in November and December.
1. Nayli's sitting for her SPM. A stressful month for her..and us too. We pray hard to Allah the Almighty to be with us all the time, and please...please let her do it with flying colours.
2. Adam has got his UPSR result..Alhamdulillah, he scored straight A's... It pays all the effort ;-)
3. Tasha's and Nayli's birthdays. Happy birthday gals, I love you with all my heart. We will celebrate next year in February in a special place, ok.
4. Our 18th anniversary is coming soon in Dec...ooh, yeah.. 18 colourful years together, Z & me. Thanks Allah swt for all the great things you've granted us during these years..
5. Got my little car in November... Although not my dream car, but this will surely drive me towards my BIG DREAM.. Yes, go girl!
6. Adam accidently broke the LCD screen of my 6 mth old Lumix camera...sighh... Checked with the service centre and the LCD is gonna cost approximately RM300... ;-(
7. Ayang's wedding. It's mama's first grand daughter's wedding and everyone's looking forward to the big event. On our part, yuppp...the lace dresses for the girls are nicely done. Superb new tailor I got here! Cheers ;-)
8. Mama's birthday - 31st Dec... mudah-mudahan mama dikurniakan kesihatan yang baik dan bahagia selalu... I love you, ma..so much. More than I love myself..

And most importantly, at this moment when I'm updating my blog...I am fueled up with energy and enthusiasm to live a better life. These few days, in between catching up with my chores to send and fetch Nayli from school...I have accomplished significant little things like planning for my business, setting new goals and spending valuable time with Z and the kids... I'm happy and thank God for what I am and the great family I have... Alhamdulillah... May this continue and make me a better person.

Lesson learnt

That was a huge and not-so-smart (stupid?) mistake I have done that almost ruined my life again. Big mouth = disaster. And so it was, close to a disaster!

Can't help thinking about it over and over again. If love is stupid, then what's not? If jealousy is stupid, then what's not? Maybe the answer is..be modest in everything. Jangan over! But again, if speaking the truth is stupid, then what's not? Keeping my mouth shut and get hurt inside? Is that smart?

I dunno, but lesson learnt here is... use the head more, not just the heart.. Alhamdulillah, Allah showed me the way to fix things that I've screwed up. There goes my ego, down the drain. But, here I am, smiling...for I've done the craziest thing any creature in this whole wide world could have ever imagined to safe the situation.

Astaghfirullah hal Azim..

At times of depression

Sometimes, every single thing that happens to us seems to be wrong. Then we get upset and depressed. Even if that happens only on ONE particular day, all the great things that we had all these years are already forgotten.. We tend to let the sadness take control.

If we come across this situation, insya Allah we'll be strong again by remembering what is said in the Quran:
"For truly with hardship comes ease. Truly with hardship comes ease" (Surat Al-Inshirah, 5-6) and;
"Allah does not impose on any self any more than it can bear" (Surat Al-Baqarah, 286).

Even IF our troubles never end, I believe these are concealed blessings and that the patience will be granted the finest returns in the afterlife. We do our best as a person and Allah will do the rest because only He knows what's best.

My sleepless nite with sister-in-law..

Hmmm...I haven't had the chance to blog for many days. Partly because I have been very busy, and partly...simply because I didn't have the heart to!

I was busy with my own usual stuffs i.e. work, children, hubby and business... Somehow, last week I spared my weekend for my sis-in-law who was leaving for Sudan to work there. She already had a hint about her departure, but didn't know that it was going to be that soon. She was still down with the death of her beloved father a week before that when she got her letter of transfer, which required her to be in Sudan in a week's time!

Goshhh!! Imagine the chaotic..! None of us had a chance to meet her up during that week..until the eve of her departure, and thanks to her mum who decided to throw a farewell party for her. She already looked half dead..(or half alive?) by then. When everybody started to say goodbye and left, she quickly grabbed my hand and say, "no, no, you can't go, please..." Why, when I thought all she needed was a good rest before her early morning flight. At that time (about 11.00 pm) my brother (her hubby) had just arrived from his business trip in Indonesia. So of course they needed the time to be together.

But..oh, but...she started taking her empty suit cases from the room upstairs and... yeah, right! We (that's her, her best buddy and..ME!) started packing her clothes, the food rations that she was taking along, her toiletries, etc. We had "fun" folding the clothes, putting them in the suitcase, arranged, then took them out again, and squeezed them in again.. And my brother was already asleep on the couch by then. Guess what time we finished packing? Hmmm...6 a.m. on next morning, just on time to shower and get dressed to shoot to the airport!! She barely had the time to spend some time talking to her kids...(I think that was the saddest part of it..)

I'm thinking about it again now...whether I'm willing to go through that. I can't even take it when Z is away for a couple of days! Let alone, to be on my own for months...infact years! Her kids would only join her later at year end. And my brother is staying (but not for long, as he just got news that he may have to manage a project in Turkminstan later this year!!) My sister was right when she said quietly before leaving that nite.."come to think of it, what is it that we actually want in life..??"

I'm repeating that to myself now. "What is it that I actually want in life?" I have been busy everyday, especially lately. With the tight deadlines, I have to stay late in the office. By the time I reach home, the kids would have had their dinner and busy studying or doing their homework. And me..would already be drained, with very little smile left. I'm lucky though, Z usually take the kids and me out for dinner or supper to make up with each other, after the long day. However sometimes the kids would be too tired to go out if it's late.

I miss my sis-in-law, and I know she misses me too. But above all, I bet she misses my brother and her kids very most right now. She is a very strong woman and I solute her for that. I don't think I even have half of that strength.

When Z called me from China the other day and asked what I wanted from there...my answer was quick and certain: "Nothing. I just want you here with us". I know I haven't been a great mum to my kids, or a great wifey to Z...but only Allah knows how much I have tried. I am so scared to think of how much time I have missed or lost. And how much time I have left to pay for what's lost..

Gimme a break!!

Some people are unhappy and want to be sure that NO ONE around them are. Sometimes I wonder why this happens..why are they unhappy? And why are they allowing the unhappiness to take control of their lives? Kesian, isn't it? Worse part is, indirectly ours too!! Ugghh....

Of course there are always ups and downs in life; I face that too, for god's sake! If it's not my hubby, then it's the kids. Or the work. Or the financial. We all do, don't we? But personally I find it amazing how a quick nap can help. With all the unessentials put on hold, I can unwind a little and get up in a better state of mind. We all know it's ridicolously easy for life to spin out of control sometimes. But we all need to press the "reset" button and move on.

I can't help it, but to "observe" this particular person who unfortunately happen to be near me day in and day out. Her negativity about almost everything and everybody around her is driving us crazy! I would start the day (again, unfortunately with her just 5 feet away) listening to her complaining & cursing. It would go on & on the whole day till we leave the office!

I wonder what kind of life she must have had to make her become like that...Was it the miserable childhood? Loneliness? Emptiness? Hatred? I just can't figure it, but I'm sure it's a mixture of everything that created that kind of product! Again, kesian, kan... The dangerous part of this is, negativity is contagious you know! The bad wave is so strong that it can destroy the whole place with so much unhappiness. And I'm talking about MY happiness here, ok... So much so, I'm dragging my feet to work everyday! Huhuhu...

Help! Help! Help! Someone help me!

Best Friends Are Forever

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."
- Anon

"Friendship is one mind in two bodies."
- Mencius

"Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart."
- Anon

“When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there.”

"If I had one gift that I could give you, my friend, it would be the ability to see yourself as others see you, because only then would you know how extremely special you are."
~B.A. Billingsly~

“The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.” ~Unknown~



Best friends are forever. She can be far..far away, but yet so close to your heart. She can already be near you, and knocking on your door every now and then. She may sometimes hurt you a little with some truth. She dares to say NO when something is bad for you. She is that angel who listens to your heart.

To my best friends, thanks from the bottom of my heart.

Self Reward

My endless "wanna-haves" list is getting longer..;-) hu hu...
I've been working so hard lately (forced to work hard actually..) So, why not reward myself with something cool? Anything from the long list... oooh, but I've rewarded myself too much lately! ..sigh..

We'll check it out..

Simplicity

Simplicity, is the life style that I chose to have. I just need a peaceful mind. Having to go through a very busy schedule as a working mum makes me physically & mentally tired. But the enthusiasm to go home to my children kept me smiling..;-)

Buat masa ni we're far, far from rich materialistically. Everything about me is simple..the house, the car, the style.. I believe in the saying "Live within your means" and ENJOY! No doubt I have my wishlist, the many "wanna-haves" and "wanna-bes". But still, they are of course realistic and affordable ones...So far, haven't had the bloody guts yet to put in anything like LV, Gucci and stuffs like that ;-) Lain la kalau every morning bila bangun, ada duit segulung kat tepi bantal i...he he he!

Alhamdulillah, I'm always thankful for what I have. Allah the Almighty has been very2 kind to me. My family & I have been granted with good health & sound mind. I'm also surrounded by great people. My own family, mum, brothers & sisters, in-laws, relatives and friends. Despite all the obtacles that I have gone through (yang sesungguhnya hanya Allah jua yg Maha Mengetahui..), they are still there by myside. Thanks to all.

Eventhough di waktu sukar ku..too many things went wrong. Dan pasti ada yang tak betah dan tak senang.. Namun, aku berserah pada Allah jua... That's only the human rules. They thot they know better, but I believe, Allah knows best! Life is like a spinning wheel and of course there are ups & downs. With that faith, I moved on..

Syukurlah that now life is getting a lot better. We're picking up the bits and pieces that have fell apart for a few years. We (both Z & me) are gonna work very hard to get the things we have wanted but couldn't get; and do the things we couldn't do together before. Life is short, and I wanna live it to the fullest. Right now, I have a looooooong list of my "wanna-bes", wanna-haves" and "wanna-dos". Dreams to be fulfilled and shared with many others...

Impianadique..

Been wanting to do this for quite some time, tapi masa tak mengizinkan . Or rather, never had been serious about starting it off. Now that I did, I know I'll do it well..

ooh ..I'm so, so excited! I've lots of things in my head, and my heart to put into words. So this would be where I could come back again & again to "meditate" ;-)

For a start, I wish to express my deepest love untuk bondaku tersayang, yang sentiasa kasih padaku & masih meleteri ku seperti dulu2. Buat ayahanda yang telah pergi, kasihku tak pernah berkurangan. And kasihku yang banyaknya seperti buih di lautan untuk my better half, my darl hubby who has always been there for me through thick & thin for the past 17 years, and of course buah hati ku, Nell, Tasha & Adam.